Why do I feel bad about setting firm limits about what I’m willing to do when I know I’m at my limit?
I want to own my choices, my work, and be content that I am enough. But honestly, it feels like I’m not enough right now.
So, I have a hard deadline for moving. It feels like I “can’t” not get it done. I “must” get the boxes packed, and the children fed, and the laundry washed, and, and, and…
Do I just push through, accept that it sucks right now, and do a bit of future living just to get me through? Is that ok to do sometimes?
I feel guilty for not being present, but the present sucks right now, and I just really want to get to a place where I can catch my breath. I feel like a jerk for even admitting that, but there it is.
I don’t think I’m setting myself up for a pattern of wishing life away, but at the same time it does give me pause.
I don’t think I have a bad life. I’m not looking to change the overall bones of the way my life is structured. Overall, I like my life. I’ve just let myself get to a point of constantly running on empty and I need a reset. And then I need a better plan of continuous restorative practices.
This was originally written on May 24, 2015 while I was in the midst of moving our family from Chevak, Alaska, USA to Georgia, USA, and then finally on to Riyadh, Saudi Arabia.
Part of me wanted to edit this into a tidy story of resilience, since I’m in a much better place now. But mostly I love it as a beautifully incomplete thought, a glimpse of a moment.